Eight tips for blending families

by Ilona Peltz, Posted Oct 14th 2007 5:14PM

Filed Under: Relationships, Second Wedding, After the 'I Do's'

65% of second marriages involve children. That's a lot of kids making some very big adjustments. "How will the kids adjust?" is probably one of the top three worries of adults in second marriages. The younger the child, the simpler the adjustment, generally. The older, the more resistance you are likely to meet. Even children who'd been getting along just fine may respond with resentment and/or anxiety when you announce your big plans.

How to proceed?

1. Go slowly. Give everyone a chance to adjust. Don't expect joy and delight from day one.

2. Be realistic. All siblings squabble. Bickering doesn't necessarily mean they're unhappy with the new family. They're just being kids.

Only children will likely have more trouble with the adjustment than children who already have siblings. If yours was the only child, you're probably not used to sibling squabbling, either. Take a deep breath. Ask a parent of two or more kids if it looks normal to them!

3. Find support for yourselves. Check the yellow pages, the Internet, community papers for step-parent groups.

4. Make time to be alone with your child(ren) regularly. Especially if you've been on your own for a while, they will need the reassurance that your presence, and yours alone, can give them.

5. Problem-solve with your child. Although they may use their time alone with you to gripe about their step-sibs, don't let the conversation stop there. A little venting is all right, but wallowing in resentment is not. Give them a sympathetic hearing, then problem-solve, look for solutions, encourage them to communicate with your spouse and/or the sibling.

6. Each parent should discipline their own child. Yes, you should be united, and yes, you should seek each other's input, but if one parent does all the disciplining of the other's child, it will be fiercely resented by the child.

7. Give each child a private space. If your home doesn't stretch to separate bedrooms, each child can have a closet, or a storage unit which is theirs and theirs alone.

8. Take a break. Get out with your spouse regularly -- once a week, if you can manage it -- without the children. Remind yourselves of why you decided to take this on.

It can be rough at first, but it does get better!

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Tags: blended-families

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10-15-2007 @12:43PM

Florinda said...

I've been a step-parent for almost a year now (as of next Sunday), and speaking both objectively and from my own experience, this is excellent advice. We're a little less "blended" than some families, since my son's not around much - he's older and lives on the opposite coast - and we've had fewer problems assimilating than many, but it remains a learning experience every day. By no means does this situation create an "instant family."