Who on earth stops to think about what their sex life will be like after they get married? I didn't. Well, not much beyond "Oooh I can have as much sex as I like!"The reality though, is that life can intervene. Work stress, financial stress and just plain old familiarity can easily tarnish your sex life. Married sex can be fantastic, but it does take a little planning and sometimes a bit of effort. The thing is, it isn't really all that difficult.
So, to avoid getting into a sexual rut, how about making yourself some sex vows, and putting these promises at the top of your daily to-do list.
1. I vow to flirt with my husband
Being all cozy and cuddly and stay-at-home is fine and good, but it needs to be balanced with a lot of flirty moments. And the thing is, it is so easy to flirt. Text saucy messages to your man, even when he's sitting right near you at a dinner party. Kiss in taxis, touch him playfully when you walk past him as he lolls in front of the TV. Make eye contact, laugh at his jokes..even the old stale ones. You'd have done it before you got married so why stop? The idea is, keep the element of fun and surprise alive.
2. I vow to keep myself sexy
Whilst it's unnecessary to keep up that pre-wedding level of grooming, it is important to look after yourself and stay as sexy as you can. Little things count. Keeping your feet in tip-top condition, your bikini line neat, your eyebrows plucked, your hair styled. When you feel good, you also feel sexy. And when you feel sexy, you want sex.
3. I vow to pleasure myself
Marriage and masturbation get along very well. If you did it before you got married, then keep right on. People who 'sort themselves out' from time to time, can actually have better orgasms during sex. Additionally, if you know your own body well, you're better able to communicate what you want, to your husband. And, even better, those kinky toys you got at your hen night can be used with your husband.
4. I vow to make time for sex
It can be easy to get caught up in work obligations, hobbies, sport and home chores. Often, you may just be too tired or too busy to even think about sex. Well hey! Why not make a date with your husband once a week. Even if you just stay at home and watch a movie together, have a great dinner, or a few drinks and a laugh....whatever you do, make sure he knows that sex is on the agenda.
5. I vow to shake up the routine
After marriage it's quite normal to fall into a pattern in bed. One of you will usually make the first move. If it's always you, then simply talk about it and explain that you'd like to be the seduced and not the seducer. Or, if you never make the first move, then change that habit. Next time you feel aroused, pounce on him! Just be sure it's not during the Football Final!
 Seven signs of a dying relationship and how to save it |
Reader comments (Page 1 of 5)
After reading through these comments, some of them have left me feeling very repulsed by the mindset of the stereotypical "average joe". If you're going to leave randomly deflamatory statements about your spouse on a public forum, Gee I can't possibly fathom why she(or he) may not want to have relations with you.
ReplyToo many relationships are built solely on the sex and when one side's libido dies down after a while, there's no steady terrain to continue on. There's nothing to relate to anymore to even call it a Relationship.
My fiance and I have been living together for the past two years in an abstinant relationship because our beliefs are that sex is for marriage and not beforehand. Far too many people ask us how we can be compatible if we've never had sex, and to me that's the strangest question in the world. He doesn't stay with me solely for sex, nor is that the reason I stay with him - Love and friendship and just being able to relate to each other without having to put up a facade about who we really are is what marriage used to be about and that's what our marriage will be about.
Not to say that there's never any talk of sex. He tells me he wants me and there's always passion in our lives but it's not what's important about our being together. It's not the be-all-end-all aspect of becoming husband and wife, though. Too many comments here have been so mean towards either side of the argument - insulting and flaming spouses and marriage in general - and it's no wonder why they're not happy if that's how they react to something so simple as a few suggestions on keeping your lives interesting after you've been married a while.
Well Suzan, it's been 7 years this week since you slept with my husband in Chicago. We tried to make things work after that, but finally got divorced 2 years ago. Our 4 children, have had a rough go of it - especially the youngest who has Down Syndrome. So, when you are out there doing your thing...try to hook up with single guys. It will save a lot of heartache for all.
ReplyYe Wendy, I understand if man would this boring that any woman would loss interest in sex, however I don’t understand my situation, we only have sex about ones a month, she never complains that it’s not good or that she doesn’t enjoy it, I’m well equipped and usually she will have an orgasm about 3 or 4 times before me, I have a rule when making love. #1- I love to cuddle and play, when she begs for me to come, I make sure she’s been 100% satisfied, after this she falls asleep like a baby.
ReplySo when we have sex, it is beautiful, it is perfect, this is why I don’t understand why she doesn’t come to me for more, and why only ones a month.
I often feel that I must not be very physically attractive to her or something, and then when I think this, it doesn’t make sense, because when we have sex, she tells me it is so good.
Do to the little sex in our marriage, I’m sometimes tempted to have sex with other beautiful women outside of our marriage, but I don’t want to do this to her, I love her deeply, but it is very difficult not to, because of the lack of sex in our relationship, If I could, I would like to Have sex every day, she is beautiful, and I love beautiful woman, I love to hold them and please them. It seams to me that she doesn’t need this.
I’m afraid that this will ruin our marriage, because I need sex and a beautiful woman like her that also needs sex.
I’m self employed and bring in good money, when we need things unless there big items like a car, we never worry about price, I feel I’m giving all I can give to this relationship that should please her, or any women, so I don’t know what it is, sometimes I feel that she is depressed, I think this is because we are both very busy with work, we work out of our own office, but a lot of the time only see each other towards the end of the day, so I don’t know if it would be because of this or not, I really would like to know, but she doesn’t like to talk about it, when I try, she gets upset, so I don’t know what ells to do.
Wendy I hope that there is some ladies out there who can tell me why this might be, it is frustrating for me, especially when I would like to have sex at least once a day.
Well, Wendy, I have to tell you: Every guy thinks about what will happen to his sex life after marriage. Those of us who talk to our already-married friends about it think about it with dread.
ReplyYeah ....I guess for some women sex isn't as important as it is for a bloke...and it isn't something they pay much attention to before the wedding...which is why I wrote that post. Just something for brides-to-be to think about, as women hold so much power when it comes to sex and heck it is important to a happy marriage.
ReplyWendy, this is great advice! I've been with the same man for ten years now, and I was nodding my head with every single point here. I think the first two are good for both, and number 3 likely more a women's issue. I think men are more likely to fall short on the last two. "Making time for it" does NOT mean a four-minute quickie. Not every time, anyway! (Thinking of my first husband, not the ovely man I'm married to now ...) And routine? I knew exactly what was going to happen every single (yawn) time.
ReplyIlona..I know what you mean about the 'routine'. ..*yawn yawn yawn*....and I had a friend whose husband was so boring in bed that she swore she could read a book and eat an apple over his shoulder and it would have been more fun!
ReplyEverything in this Article is so true, As my Wedding Day Approaches
Replythis weekend I realize how important these things are to a relationship. This is a second Marriage for both of us and we are older now and more settle in our own ways but even still.....After Years of being together we still "Keep The Flame" alive and bring Spark into our realtionship even after 7 years of engagement and now finally getting to the Alter.
I think the same the same advice should be given to husbands as well. The man needs to flirt with his wife too. And sometimes the men don't want to have sex when the woman does. It's not so cut and dry. Both husbands and wives should heed the advice to keep the sexual part of the relationship alive and fun. And by the way, it isn't all about sex...it's about being best friends.
ReplyMy wife and I have a great time with lovemaking, and she really enjoys it, but when we are not having it, it is the last thing on her mind, as she is consumed with everything else, (pressures of her job, etc) and is always tired.
ReplyMy husband and have only been married 2 years. At first sex was great. But now He only gives it up maybe once every month or 2. So it's not always the woman who needs to make the time for it.
Replyumm . . . being one of those who could be counted on for the same ole (yawn) same ole, I decided a couple of years back that I, too, was bored in the bedroom. The rut had to be changed so I started reading Great Sexpectations (greatsexpectations.com) as well as studying Tantra (tantraattahoe.com) to become better at giving the wife what she really needed (spontaniety, selflessness, and satisfaction). I can honestly say that after two years of this, we have gone from once or twice a month to now once, maybe even twice a day. The more she gets the more she wants (isn't that how it was before marriage?). Our marriage has improved almost 1000% and we could not be happier. Guys . . . it only takes about 10 minutes a day to read up and an evening to practice - yeah, she's that important!
Replyin recommending how to stay sexy . . . that includes the men folk as well that means well kept feet, finger nails and no beer bellies!
ReplyWell I agree with some of these vows but for me I think there is something wrong with me!! I don't EVER want to have sex with my husband we have been married 3 1/2yrs and been together for 11 and before we were married we did it all the time and it was fun and adventerous but now that we are married I could care less. Even though I KNOW it isn't fair to him.
ReplyAs a married man, I have one thing to say. Whoever invents the pill to truly cure "headaches" is my friggin hero. For all you husbands out there, don't be selfish in bed, yes you can make her have the big "O" pretty easily once you know how. For the women it is actually 90 percent mental. You have to set up the correct atmosphere which includes saying the right things before you even hit the bedroom or action room wherever it may be. Then you have to start slow and make her feel as comfortable as possible while still feeling sexy. Then ASK FOR DIRECTIONS, you have to find out what feels good and then do that while matching her breathing pattern and do not stop even if the dog barks, the door bell rings, the phone rings, the shuttle lands and creates a sonic boom, american idol comes on(tivo it), well anyway you get the idea. but once she gets there, it will be easier the next time for both her to feel comfortable and for you to know exactly how to do it. This simple process will make her want to do it much more often, at least from my experience. Hope this helps some people. Not saying I am an expert but I do know certain things from experience. Make her feel sexy fellas
ReplyMs Billie R - congrats on your approaching wedding! I hope you have a smashing day. And seriously? I think that sex in a second marriage is even better than first time around just because you ARE older, wiser, know what you want and how to ask for it.
ReplySP123311 - you're so right! Nothing is ever cut and dried, especially regarding sex. And I do agree that husbands need to make more of an effort with their sex lives. Also, whilst I think you are right about being best friends and having that as a good solid basis for your marriage, both men and women usually need good, meaningful sex as well.
John - for the average woman, sex can easily take second place. I used to get into bed and just want to sleep, and bugger the sex. Full time job, kids, housework....it is exhausting. It's very easy to get into that mindset, and stay there, which is why I wrote this post. For newly weds, it's not something that is anticipated and it can be a shock.
wow...wish my wife would read this. Twice last year, have yet to have sex happen for me this year
ReplyBoomer, I feel bad for you man. If it's been that long than there has to be other issues going on. Maybe some counceling would help. My wife and I have been going lately even though we get along great. We just want to see if there are any issues that come up that we haven't talked about. It's nice having a 3rd party seeing things in different ways. I hope that action picks up for you. Take care brother.
ReplyHope it's beer muscle not beer belly. We really work on building it. But I do understand the cleanliness issue. It does work both ways for sure. I wouldn't want some hairy smelly creature with fungus feet climbing on me if I was a woman. Actually I wouldn't want that anyway.
ReplyWell, when I got married, my husband thought that marriage was the card to free sex when ever he wanted it. Also if he was the only satified out of it, so be it. As he is from another country and I am from here, the Untied States, I guess that is what is expected of their women. However, my personal opinion is, he is here where I am from, so he needs to see the BIG picture, as I told him. That is of a personal choice on ones part, if they want to partake in it. Well, he couldn't deal, so we are no longer, I guess now he pleasures himself, here in the Untied States. Sex does not make the whole marriage, it is just a part of the package. It is the two hearts that meet, that makes it work and continue to work.
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