Etiquette question: Can you have a wedding if you're already married?
Filed under: Alternative Weddings, Etiquette, Ceremonies, Eloping, Polls
Sometimes a couple is ready to get married, but not ready to have a wedding. Maybe they're still in school, or one of them is shipping out with the military soon, or they can only be covered by their partner's insurance policies if they tie the knot -- so they want to get married now, but for whatever reason do not have time to plan a wedding. These people could have a small ceremony or quick civil service, but that's not what they want. They want to be married now, but also don't want to miss out on the big wedding they've always dreamed of -- which can't happen until later.I know of a few couples who have been in this situation, and all of them said the same thing: we'll just have a quiet legal ceremony now, and we'll do the "real" wedding later when we have time. But of everyone I know who has said this, none of them ever actually had their two weddings. They either got married and then lost enthusiasm for the big wedding, or their two weddings idea met with such resistance from family that they just decided to have only the big ceremony, though perhaps a bit rushed and not exactly as they'd hoped it would be.
I am of the opinion that a couple can throw their wedding however they want, and guests who don't like it should keep quiet -- they have the right not to attend, and don't need to start a big feud over something like this. However, I do find it a little odd that a couple who is already married would want to go through the vows and "I now pronounce you" bit just for show. If you want to have a big celebration after your wedding, why not elope now and hold just a reception later? You can still wear a big white dress if you want. Or have a vow renewal ceremony instead of calling it a wedding. That seems more appropriate -- but who am I to make the rules? Let's see what others have to say about it.
What's in a name?
Dress of the day: Anastasia by Maggie Sottero
Unusual wedding cakes from Dragons and Daffodils
Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
Dec 9th 2007 @ 6:43PM
Kristen said...
I have a friend who was engaged and had her Big Wedding planned, but with the way timing worked out (when the chapel was available, when friends and family could come, etc.), she wouldn't be married until several months after she finished school.
The problem with this was that, as a student, she was covered under her parents' insurance, but after graduation, she was not. And so, they did private, secret civil ceremony (and didn't tell anyone about it) so she would have insurance and went on to have their big wedding later. It was just fine, but, then again, most of the guests didn't know they were already married.
I had no problem with it, but I can understand where people might be uncomfortable with the situation -- I mean, where is the line drawn?
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Dec 13th 2007 @ 8:15AM
amber said...
how did your friend have a wedding when she was married and did not tell people cuz i am kinda in the same place but did not tell anyone dont want to tell them but want to have the wedding. please if you can help me i have been going crazy trying to find out how to have a wedding and not tell anyone that i am already married. thanks
Dec 17th 2007 @ 5:51PM
Alan said...
It seems very inappropriate to me. A case of having your cake and eating it too. A wedding is a joining together of two people. How can you join what is already joined? How can the father of the "bride" give her away if she is already someone's wife?
My daughter got married overseas and wants to have a full wedding 6 months to 2 years after the fact. A simple vow-renewal ceremony without bridesmaids, groomsmen, wedding gifts, etc seems more appropriate.
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Feb 6th 2008 @ 8:14PM
Lauren said...
I was hoping this question would come up somewhere. I'm in the same kind of situation right now except for the fact that ours is for more financial reasons than for a deadline to something. To be married we need a house and a house costs money which we don't have at the moment. And when we do have the money for the house, it will be spent on the House not on a big elaborate ceremony. Both our families are vying for us to have the wedding in one of their back yards: His mother in Chicago or my mother in Alabama, and considering we're in Arizona, neither is too appealing when calculating in the cost of travel to either location. And we're pretty eager to be married and get it over with rather than keep our engagement going longer than it has to considering we're already living together.
So what I've tried to suggest to him is that we have a private, legal ceremony on our own when we have our house to live in, and then we can save up our money to have the ceremony to let the families feel involved. (Because neither side of our families are willing to offer a solitary red cent towards the cost of the wedding. My mother actually complained about us getting engaged at all because traditionally the bride's family pays for the wedding.) He tends to counter with "Let's just elope and avoid it altogether." Not a bad idea, but I know our family would hold it over our heads forever about how we don't care about them so we didn't invite them to the ceremony. Oi.
So, yeah... I personally don't have a problem with the after-the-fact ceremony. It seems logical to me in my current state of mind, as far as stressful relations with our families and lack of savings are concerned.
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