"Marry Him!": Lori Gottlieb presents a case for settling

by Eden Minty (RSS feed) on Feb 14th 2008 10:15AM

Filed under: Relationships, After the 'I Do's'

Marry Him! By Lori Gottlieb - www.theatlantic.com, March 2008

I am 35, and reluctantly-happily (yes, they do go together) single, and going on 36. Needless to say, the mere title of this article in TheAtlantic.com caused the blood to pool in my temples, and forced me to jut out my chin with a defiant glint in my eye. Yes, I write about weddings. No, I don't for one minute believe in settling for the sake of getting married. So, we read on ...

Wow. Let's start with this one:
"Ask any soul-baring 40-year-old single heterosexual woman what she most longs for in life", and Gottlieb informs us that the unequivocal answer is "what she really wants is a husband (and, by extension, a child)." She later goes on to point out that if we say otherwise we're either "in denial" or "lying". Don't EVEN get me started. Seriously? All we want is the peace and security of the blandness of settling with a passion-fest-free "partnership formed to run a very small, mundane, and often boring nonprofit business"? No offence, Gottlieb, but we're begging to differ ...

"Is it better to be alone, or to settle?" ... she advises us to settle. It seems that Gottlieb gave up looking for The One (too difficult, or something), and chose to have a child by sperm donor, and promptly realized it would be "nice" to have someone help with the dirty diapers. And has since taken it upon herself to inform us that "if you want to have the infrastructure in place to have a family, settling is the way to go" ... and within that, sharing with us that she had considered settling for a fellow who was rude to the waiter and had a "strong interest in terrorists" simply because he "very much wanted a family". Did I say "wow" earlier? Because, like, WOW!!

I can't speak for all those yet-unmarried-yet fabulous bachelorettes, or even those fabulous bachelorettes who are soon to be married ... or have already dashed the aisle. But I HAVE to believe that as a humanity we still buy into the idea of passion. Right, the concept of one true soul-mate who completes us is poppy-cock, but if should we be lucky enough to bring a pure, trusting offspring into this world, don't we want them to see either one, or two, parents who are full of joy, and love, and fire, and a willingness to relentlessly go to bat for the glory of intimacy, hope, and life?

Please tell me we're still fighting for the bastion of marriage based on true love and absolute friendship. Not simply the complacent truth that he's willing to puree peas and pull cheese-string bits out of the portable DVD-player, despite the fact that "you get a cold shiver down your spine" at the thought of embracing him.

It's Valentine's Day ... please say it isn't so??

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Feb 23rd 2008 @ 8:28AM

veruka said...

it's not musical chairs. I have seen this occur with my gfs over the years,
and it is heart wrenching. While the married women in your playgroup
wouldn't want to trade places with you, it isn't because they have a
sort of wonderful partnership, it is because they fear being alone.
Yes, it is a great big bad fear, and has existed since the judeo-christian
tradition has made women feel that they are less than a person if
they are without a man.

If I have learned anything by being a single mother, it is that I
am as powerful and beautiful and strong as any man out there.

These women who are married to people they "settle" for, do not get
that. They do what their husbands say, too, you know. They obey. The
ones who compromise are 90% of the time the females, so you are looking
at a feminist issue. The guy that gives a new mom 20 minutes a day is not
better than nothing. Just think of the resentment that would build up
in your heart! You do 23 hours and 40 minutes and you gotta be all
grateful for the 20 his royal highness doles out at his leisure.

So get out of here with your settling philosophies. Have a good cry if
you feel lonely and then go shave your beard, do yoga for 3 weeks,
dye the grey out of your hair and get laid, it's easier
than you think at 45. I'm 45 and and single mom and going through a sort
of blooming flower stage!

The article doesn't cover the fact that 75% of american marriages now end
in divorce. 75%! So are you saying that when you do this settling thing,
this new cool way to find a life mate, that you are going to not be one
of those 75%? I'd say you settlers will be more like 100% probability of
divorce. I mean unless you find a guy who is truly willing to forgo
all romantic love, as you are, and "settle" just to have a sort of "small
time business partner" for life! What hogwash.

A single middle-aged woman likely doesn't have perspectives? HOGWASH again,
oh, dear! You need to get laid girl! You are repeting the shit men want
us to believe!

that thing about the guy not being a reader, or the guy being alergic to dogs,
or those little things that break up the relationship, it's always something
deeper. You are being too clinical here. The woman didn't decide to dump
the guy because he hated dogs. It was why he hated dogs, it was something
deeper about him. Why do you want her to ignore her intuition? Us girls
do have that you know, and it's always dead on right.

And to conclude, I reiterate, you do not have to be alone forever. You have friends, that
was sort of one of the messages of "sex in the city" that you criticize.You
have a kid, that's already someone in your life. By the way, it was nice that
you included him in the reasons you don't want to settle. Imagine you had
settled for a subpar before the poor kid was born? Why do you encourage
others to do that now?
This is really the story of feminism. It is hard, yes, being a single
mom, that does not mean you should bring a stranger into your life as
a life partner. It means that you need to put your chin up and go on.
You still got it, babe. You can write! (though you watch too much american
tv and movies, which are inherently sexist, and then you turn around and
regurgitate that) You are only in your 40s. Some
guys are into that! BELIEVE ME! Rock and Roll, stop complainin' and join
us! Those married bee-atches would leave their husbands in a heart beat if they
had complete custody, and we both know that's true.
your sista

Feb 23rd 2008 @ 8:35AM

Eden said...

Ya! Go sista!
I agree...100%
I like to joke that my ex and I broke up over my cat. But it wasn't the cat. My love of the cat vs. his hatred of the cat, it represented something much MUCH deeper. It's like we held the cat up in between us and used it to say: "I don't respect you"...poor cat never knew much aside from the fact that about twice a day it gets hungry and has to use the litter box.
LOL...
Nice comment, veruka...I like!!
Eden

May 6th 2008 @ 2:01PM

vidia poleon said...

I totally agree that we should all hope for "The One". I don't believe in settling at all. But if there is one that has more pros than cons and you can actually live life to the fullest with him, then yes take the bull by the horns. I think, however, it is a down-right shame to see a woman going through hell, dragging kids and a husband along because she made the wrong decision. That just sucks, and it serves as encouragement for me to hold on for what you are truly needing and looking for. (37 and holding)

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