AisleDash

I think it's wrong for the couple to have child attendants but then say "no children" for the wedding, but that is their choice.
I don't think children have to be a part of weddings. I think it's hard for some parents to understand that not all people adore children. I'm usually relieved when I see that an event will be adults only. Parents should be understanding when people want to have an event without kids. It's not personal.

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If you don't want kids in or at your wedding, that's perfectly fine. What makes no sense in this case is to include one child in a family, but not the other one.

And I understand that not everyone adores your kids. Personally, I wouldn't exclude kids. But that's just me.

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if you're having child attendants like a flower girl or ring bearer they're siblings should also be allowed to come for the ceremony and then have an adults only reception.

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I am sympathetic with both sides of this. On the one hand, it's undeniably insensitive to exclude one sibling from a special event when another's included. On the other hand, the one child already has a special role from which their sibling is excluded, and no one would think it reasonable to insist he got to be in the wedding party just because his sister is. On the other, other hand: why exclude just one member of a family? How can the child not feel hurt?

Withdrawing the sister from the wedding party is one solution. A babysitter is another. Perhaps another solution is to plan a special event for the 7-year-old that will happen at the same time as the wedding. A sleepover and outing with a favored relative?

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When my niece was three, she was a flower girl in an aunt's wedding; she was in all the formal photographs and participated in the ceremony.

And then she went home because the reception was adults only.

I can understand why a couple would want a child-free wedding, but I do think it's an either/or. If you're going to have children in the wedding party, then they need to come to the reception; if you're going to have one sibling, then others need to be invited too. And of course, once you invite ONE family's children, you really DO have to invite others, at least the children of family and close friends.

I think that's why couples opt for a child-free wedding in the first place.

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While I'm agreed that if one kid is involved, both should be, I completely relate to not wanting children at a wedding ceremony. I nearly convulsed at the suggestion "that kids are a great and integral part of the tradition". While I love all the children of my friends and family, a wedding ceremony is not appropriate for most of them. KIDS GET BORED. Then they move around, they make noise, they have to get up to leave - all of which is very distracting to everyone involved and incredibly disrespectful to the bride and groom. This is the big moment of their lives and they have to pause because your kid gets squirmy in the middle of the ceremony? No way, Jose. If your kid can't sit still for a full 45 minutes (over-estimate this) of simply observing other people, then they don't belong there. Period.

We're solving this by saying, "If young kids will be in attendance, please let us know and we'll provide in-house childcare during the ceremony, which you're welcome to use as needed throughout the reception as well." We're hiring professional childcare to host a kids room full of videos, snacks, toys, coloring books, etc., and asking each of our ushers to kindly point parents in that direction.

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What can be difficult is when the bride's family has a different view of children in the wedding than the groom's. I was involved in a wedding where the families were, to say the least, from opposite sides of the tracks. The bride's family was footing the bill and they had planned a really elegant evening reception following an early evening outdoor ceremony.

The bride's family had no children in it to speak of, but the groom had some nieces, and his family was adamant that they were in the ceremony. And so, they were flowergirls with the understanding that a babysitter would be provided for them and any other children who couldn't be left behind during the reception.

Nobody in that family followed the plans, instead opting to change their small children into basketball jerseys and jeans so they could run around the dance floor more easily. This might have been totally fine at another wedding or party, but it didn't suit this one. When it was suggested that they take their kids to the childcare provided, the families left in a huff, not even bothering to say good-bye to the newlyweds.

So, BKA, I think you're offering a great solution -- just make sure everyone is willing to comply before they bring their little ones.

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