The Elopement Chronicles: Throwing a party after the fact
Filed under: Etiquette, Receptions, After the 'I Do's', Eloping
For most people who elope, letting the secret out is pretty much the end of the line. Most people don't have a party or reception because you eloped to save money on that stuff in the first place. But hey, you've already broken from tradition -- it's not like there are rules you have to follow now. Have a party if you want to!As with the ceremony, a post-elopement reception can be just like a typical wedding reception if that's what you want. You can do a fancy dress code, a three-tiered cake, music, dancing, and entertainment -- but you shouldn't have wedding-like expectations of your guests. They should not be pressured or expected to bring gifts, for one thing. It's great if you make this clear on your invitation -- a simple "No gifts, please" at the bottom will be fine (and lots of people will bring presents anyway). It is easy for parties like this to take on the appearance of a gift grab, which is not why you're doing it, is it?
You also need to be understanding if and when guests don't go out of their way to attend your party. People don't see these events as important as weddings, and if attending means buying a plane ticket or taking vacation days from work, don't expect them to do it.
McKenzie and I never planned to have a reception or party of any kind. We were very happy with our private ceremony, and happy to go on living life as though nothing had changed (besides my last name, nothing had). But in our case, there were some practical reasons to have a reception.
Living in Virginia near my friends and family, McKenzie knows his in-laws very well, but I'd only spent a little bit of time around his family in Oregon, and had yet to meet many of his friends from back home. Furthermore, our families had never met. Oh yeah, and his mother really wanted to throw a party -- since we didn't have to do any of the planning ourselves, we decided that a party would be a nice thing to do.
As soon as we gave her the green light (actually, probably even before), my mother-in-law began planning the party. We had some input with the guest list, but other than that, the only thing I had to do with the planning was to request that there be cake and that it be chocolate. If there was any stress involved in planning this shindig, we were kept out of the loop, and we really appreciated that.
McKenzie's mom designed a nice invitation which she sent out to all the potential guests in the Pacific Northwest, but then there was the question of my side of the family. I wanted my parents to come and meet my in-laws and west coast friends, but I knew that if we sent invitations to my extended family, they would consider attendance mandatory. While I would have loved to have them there, I just couldn't ask them to spend that kind of money on flights and hotels. I informed my aunts and uncles of the party, told them they were welcome if they wanted to attend, but did not send formal invitations their way. In the end, my parents were the only ones to fly out from the east coast, which was fine.
Everything was organized in about six weeks between my mother-in-law, Cindy, her best friend and party superstar Kathy, and their team of volunteer helpers. About 80 people (a surprisingly huge number) showed up for the festivities, catered entirely by Kathy. I cannot possibly relate how hard this woman worked to make this party a success; she deserves mountains of praise, and I hope every young couple is lucky enough to have people like her in their lives. I say this not because she helped put together such a fantastic party, but simply because she was willing to do it. Again, I had nothing to do with any of the planning, but I know that not having to deal with vendors and caterers made the process so much easier for my mother-in-law.
Except for Cindy and Kathy and those behind-the-scenes, this party was a stress-free occasion, as I think all should be. No one worried about dress codes (I wore a new, but not really fancy, dress), no one worried about seating charts (it's great when everyone gets along), and everyone pitched in to help decorate the hall and clean up afterwards. Decorations were festive but minimal -- no one spent tons of money on flowers or customized favors or anything like that, and we would have felt a touch guilty if anyone had.
Honestly, we hadn't really wanted to do a party. We agreed to it because we knew Cindy really wanted it, and because it was a good way to bring our families together for the first time. In the end, we're both so glad the party happened. It was great for me to meet so many of my husband's friends, and great to introduce my parents to all our west coast buddies that they wouldn't likely meet any other way. Since others took on the bulk of the planning and organizing, our only responsibility was to mingle with everyone who showed up, and we had a fantastic time doing just that.
Just as our wedding wasn't really a wedding at all, our reception wasn't really a reception, either. Rather, our marriage was a good excuse to throw a party, and a mighty fine party it was.
Living in Virginia near my friends and family, McKenzie knows his in-laws very well, but I'd only spent a little bit of time around his family in Oregon, and had yet to meet many of his friends from back home. Furthermore, our families had never met. Oh yeah, and his mother really wanted to throw a party -- since we didn't have to do any of the planning ourselves, we decided that a party would be a nice thing to do.
As soon as we gave her the green light (actually, probably even before), my mother-in-law began planning the party. We had some input with the guest list, but other than that, the only thing I had to do with the planning was to request that there be cake and that it be chocolate. If there was any stress involved in planning this shindig, we were kept out of the loop, and we really appreciated that.
McKenzie's mom designed a nice invitation which she sent out to all the potential guests in the Pacific Northwest, but then there was the question of my side of the family. I wanted my parents to come and meet my in-laws and west coast friends, but I knew that if we sent invitations to my extended family, they would consider attendance mandatory. While I would have loved to have them there, I just couldn't ask them to spend that kind of money on flights and hotels. I informed my aunts and uncles of the party, told them they were welcome if they wanted to attend, but did not send formal invitations their way. In the end, my parents were the only ones to fly out from the east coast, which was fine.
Everything was organized in about six weeks between my mother-in-law, Cindy, her best friend and party superstar Kathy, and their team of volunteer helpers. About 80 people (a surprisingly huge number) showed up for the festivities, catered entirely by Kathy. I cannot possibly relate how hard this woman worked to make this party a success; she deserves mountains of praise, and I hope every young couple is lucky enough to have people like her in their lives. I say this not because she helped put together such a fantastic party, but simply because she was willing to do it. Again, I had nothing to do with any of the planning, but I know that not having to deal with vendors and caterers made the process so much easier for my mother-in-law.
Except for Cindy and Kathy and those behind-the-scenes, this party was a stress-free occasion, as I think all should be. No one worried about dress codes (I wore a new, but not really fancy, dress), no one worried about seating charts (it's great when everyone gets along), and everyone pitched in to help decorate the hall and clean up afterwards. Decorations were festive but minimal -- no one spent tons of money on flowers or customized favors or anything like that, and we would have felt a touch guilty if anyone had.
Honestly, we hadn't really wanted to do a party. We agreed to it because we knew Cindy really wanted it, and because it was a good way to bring our families together for the first time. In the end, we're both so glad the party happened. It was great for me to meet so many of my husband's friends, and great to introduce my parents to all our west coast buddies that they wouldn't likely meet any other way. Since others took on the bulk of the planning and organizing, our only responsibility was to mingle with everyone who showed up, and we had a fantastic time doing just that.
Just as our wedding wasn't really a wedding at all, our reception wasn't really a reception, either. Rather, our marriage was a good excuse to throw a party, and a mighty fine party it was.
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