Dear AisleDash,My fiance and I are having an ongoing argument. We're getting married in four months, and we want to have children right away. We are a little older and I'm nervous that it will be difficult for us to conceive, so I want to start trying right now. My fiance insists that we wait until the wedding, but hasn't really given me any good reasons to wait -- he just says he doesn't think it's a good idea. I think he's worried about what people will think if we have a ten pound baby five months after the wedding, but I don't think it's likely we'll even be successful so early on and just want to get a head start on what may be a difficult thing for us. We already live together and are sexually active anyway. Do you think it's a bad idea to start trying just a few months ahead of the wedding?
~Future Wife and Mother
Dear Future Wife and Mother,
Yes. I think it is a bad idea to start trying to conceive four months before your wedding. It sounds like neither one of you actually wants you to be pregnant on your wedding day, you just don't think it will happen so don't see the harm in trying. But let's say it does happen...
You might get extremely lucky on top of conceiving right away and be one of those women who doesn't ever get sick or hormonal or even start to show a belly until your eighth month. But chances are, if you do conceive, you will be in your first trimester on your wedding day -- which means morning sickness (which is a misleading term -- it can last all day), sensitivity to things you weren't sensitive to before (the wedding menu you loved when you picked it out might now make you ill), possibly a bit of a belly, which means your dress will need expensive alterations, and general discomfort on what is supposed to be the happiest day of your life.
Furthermore, if your fiance is concerned about judgment, that is his right and you should respect that. Sure, common sense tells folks that if you live together and are engaged, you're probably sexually active, but for him it's important to keep this part of his life private.
It's only four more months. Your chances of conceiving if you wait four more months will not decline significantly. Stop arguing, enjoy your wedding for now, and start thinking about kids in sixteen weeks -- it's not that far off.
One last thing. You said that both you and your fiance want kids right away, but are you sure this is true, or is it just you who wants babies now? Perhaps his reservations stem from uncertainty about becoming a parent so soon. Please be sure you are at least on the same page there with your future husband, or this argument will only escalate. This is a good topic for pre-marital counseling, which I think is good for all couples.
Do you have a question for Ask AisleDash? Use the Contact AisleDash link at the top of the page, or leave it in the comments section. And be sure to look for our answers every Thursday.
Furthermore, if your fiance is concerned about judgment, that is his right and you should respect that. Sure, common sense tells folks that if you live together and are engaged, you're probably sexually active, but for him it's important to keep this part of his life private.
It's only four more months. Your chances of conceiving if you wait four more months will not decline significantly. Stop arguing, enjoy your wedding for now, and start thinking about kids in sixteen weeks -- it's not that far off.
One last thing. You said that both you and your fiance want kids right away, but are you sure this is true, or is it just you who wants babies now? Perhaps his reservations stem from uncertainty about becoming a parent so soon. Please be sure you are at least on the same page there with your future husband, or this argument will only escalate. This is a good topic for pre-marital counseling, which I think is good for all couples.
Do you have a question for Ask AisleDash? Use the Contact AisleDash link at the top of the page, or leave it in the comments section. And be sure to look for our answers every Thursday.
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Dress of the day: Anastasia by Maggie Sottero
Unusual wedding cakes from Dragons and Daffodils
