Ask AisleDash: Ceremony vs. eloping
Filed under: Negotiating Speed Bumps, Relationships, Ceremonies, Eloping
Dear AisleDash,My aunt's fiance wants to elope. He wants their wedding to be just him, my aunt, and her 14-year-old daughter, and then they will make a family announcement after the fact. My aunt and cousin don't want that, though. My aunt has never been married and she wants a small wedding, and my cousin doesn't want her mom to elope, either. She's waited a long time to find the right person and my cousin and I have agreed she deserves at least a small wedding. We are slowly convincing him. Any advice?
~R.
Dear R.,
No one should force their significant other into anything they really don't want. That means that your aunt's fiance shouldn't force her into giving up her wedding, but it also means she (and you and your cousin) shouldn't force him into participating in a wedding he's really against. This shouldn't be a deal-breaker; people that are right for each other are able to talk things over and reach acceptable compromises.
It sounds like that's what's going on now -- you say you are slowly convincing him. The key is to present your argument for a wedding without twisting his arm or begging him to do something he's not interested in. Instead, show him how the small wedding you and your aunt and cousin want doesn't have to be that different from an elopement. Some people can't help but think of giant spectacles when they think of weddings, so your aunt will need to assure him that what she wants is not at all the giant ordeal he's afraid of.
Your aunt will need to be willing to compromise some, too. Maybe her idea of a small wedding is 75 guests, when to him, that sounds overwhelming. Encourage her to cut her plans down to the essentials: close family members and an intimate reception without too many bells and whistles. It could be that the cost is a concern for him as well, so she'll need to keep her wedding visions within a reasonable budget. A small wedding can be elegant, and maybe it can be more like the elopement he has in mind than he realizes.
If he is the right guy that she's been waiting for, he'll see how important this wedding is to her and his future step-daughter. And if she's the right girl for him, she'll make the necessary compromises to make sure that he can enjoy their small wedding as well.
As much as you and your cousin want to help, this is really a discussion for the bride and groom. For now, you can be there as a listening ear for your aunt. I would also suggest volunteering any skills you have toward the wedding, if they decide to have one. Maybe you can save the couple some time and money by cooking for the reception, doing all the decorating, taking the pictures, making your aunt's dress -- anything you can do to make it easier for them. If there is a helpful support team in place for the wedding, this may help quiet some of the groom's concerns. Just remember not to be pushy, and remember to respect his wishes the way you want him to respect your aunt's.
Do you have a question for Ask AisleDash? Use the Contact AisleDash link at the top of the page, or leave it in the comments section. And be sure to look for our answers every Thursday.
If he is the right guy that she's been waiting for, he'll see how important this wedding is to her and his future step-daughter. And if she's the right girl for him, she'll make the necessary compromises to make sure that he can enjoy their small wedding as well.
As much as you and your cousin want to help, this is really a discussion for the bride and groom. For now, you can be there as a listening ear for your aunt. I would also suggest volunteering any skills you have toward the wedding, if they decide to have one. Maybe you can save the couple some time and money by cooking for the reception, doing all the decorating, taking the pictures, making your aunt's dress -- anything you can do to make it easier for them. If there is a helpful support team in place for the wedding, this may help quiet some of the groom's concerns. Just remember not to be pushy, and remember to respect his wishes the way you want him to respect your aunt's.
Do you have a question for Ask AisleDash? Use the Contact AisleDash link at the top of the page, or leave it in the comments section. And be sure to look for our answers every Thursday.
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Reader Comments (Page 1 of 1)
Sep 22nd 2008 @ 11:12PM
michelle said...
I'd say to not elope and have a wedding that includes the whole family. Worth waiting for and it would be a memorable experience. Personally I can vouch that eloping was a bad idea, I broke up with my now ex-husband and sold my diamond ring on http://auction.idonowidont.com/newsite.php I say they should have a memorable experience with the whole fam. Hope that helps!
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