AisleDash

Dear AisleDash,

My aunt's fiance wants to elope. He wants their wedding to be just him, my aunt, and her 14-year-old daughter, and then they will make a family announcement after the fact. My aunt and cousin don't want that, though. My aunt has never been married and she wants a small wedding, and my cousin doesn't want her mom to elope, either. She's waited a long time to find the right person and my cousin and I have agreed she deserves at least a small wedding. We are slowly convincing him. Any advice?

~R.

Dear R.,

No one should force their significant other into anything they really don't want. That means that your aunt's fiance shouldn't force her into giving up her wedding, but it also means she (and you and your cousin) shouldn't force him into participating in a wedding he's really against. This shouldn't be a deal-breaker; people that are right for each other are able to talk things over and reach acceptable compromises.

It sounds like that's what's going on now -- you say you are slowly convincing him. The key is to present your argument for a wedding without twisting his arm or begging him to do something he's not interested in. Instead, show him how the small wedding you and your aunt and cousin want doesn't have to be that different from an elopement. Some people can't help but think of giant spectacles when they think of weddings, so your aunt will need to assure him that what she wants is not at all the giant ordeal he's afraid of.

One of the hardest parts about planning a wedding is facing the fact that someone you love will not be able to be there for your big day. Maybe you have family or friends who live too far away, or maybe your loved ones have conflicting schedules. One couple decided that rather than leave anyone out, they would bring the wedding to their friends and family -- even though it meant having five weddings in nine months.

It started with an elopement: Simonne Harris' boyfriend, Ryan Feeney, whisked her off to Las Vegas three months into their relationship. He proposed during their transatlantic flight, dropping an engagement ring into her glass, and then announced that he had already arranged for them to be married at the famous Little White Wedding Chapel.

Last month, they were married again in Bodrum, Turkey, where the groom's mother lives. They are planning three more ceremonies -- one in August in their hometown of Milton Keynes, Buckinghamshire, in England, one in September in Florida, where the bride's father lives, and a final ceremony in Lilydale, Victoria, Australia, where the bride's mother lives.

Each ceremony has its own flair; the Turkish wedding took place at sunset, the Florida wedding will be a Jewish blessing, and the Aussie wedding will have purple flowers, the mother of the bride's favorite.

And yes, the bride is wearing a different dress for every wedding.

Lots of couples decide to elope when they get frustrated with all the pressure and expense of planning a wedding. Big weddings and secret elopements are not your only options, though. There's a middle path being forged by celebrities: the surprise wedding.

Surprise weddings are a sort of public elopement, where you invite guests to a party, and when they arrive, you surprise them with your wedding. There's still a ceremony, so there's of course still some planning to do, but it's much more low-key and low-stress than a traditional wedding.

When you have a surprise wedding, you sidestep the problem of overbearing relatives who hijack the wedding plans, and you can save big money. We also know that putting "No gifts, please," on an invitation won't stop people from bringing presents by the truckload -- so for the couple who really doesn't want or need any gifts, this is a great way to stop them from coming. And, according to Marilyn Oliveira, senior editor at the WeddingChannel.com, holding a surprise wedding is the perfect way to "make a big splash without a huge budget."

So before you toss all your spreadsheets out the window and run to City Hall, maybe you want to consider hosting your own surprise wedding instead.

When Dan and Maggie Miller invited family and friends to a New Year's Eve engagement party, guests arrived to find wedding cake in the hall and Maggie in a big white dress. "Surprise! It's our wedding!"

The couple, both busy in med school, had considered eloping to avoid all the hassle of wedding planning. "By the time I got to the point I was actually going to get married, I didn't want to deal with all that stuff," Maggie said. But since their friends would be in town for the holidays anyway, they decided to make their "elopement" a public affair -- while still keeping the wedding part a secret.

They let a few close friends and family members in on the secret, and it was Maggie's mom who insisted on the white dress. "My son had a huge church wedding," she said, "so I had a huge church wedding in my pocket and didn't need another." It sounds like Maggie should thank her brother for getting her off the hook!

For a while now, celebrities have been embracing the surprise wedding trend as a way to keep the paparazzi away from their nuptials, but more and more non-celebs are copying the idea, finding that the surprise wedding is a great way to elope without actually eloping.

For most people who elope, letting the secret out is pretty much the end of the line. Most people don't have a party or reception because you eloped to save money on that stuff in the first place. But hey, you've already broken from tradition -- it's not like there are rules you have to follow now. Have a party if you want to!

As with the ceremony, a post-elopement reception can be just like a typical wedding reception if that's what you want. You can do a fancy dress code, a three-tiered cake, music, dancing, and entertainment -- but you shouldn't have wedding-like expectations of your guests. They should not be pressured or expected to bring gifts, for one thing. It's great if you make this clear on your invitation -- a simple "No gifts, please" at the bottom will be fine (and lots of people will bring presents anyway). It is easy for parties like this to take on the appearance of a gift grab, which is not why you're doing it, is it?

You also need to be understanding if and when guests don't go out of their way to attend your party. People don't see these events as important as weddings, and if attending means buying a plane ticket or taking vacation days from work, don't expect them to do it.

When you think of a Vegas wedding, you probably think of all those disastrous alcohol-induced celebrity quickie marriages, like Britney Spears' infamous 55-hour marriage to that guy she was pals with in high school. With all the free alcohol and the city's reputation for wildness, it's no surprise that Sin City is notorious for ill-conceived nuptials.

But not all Vegas weddings are impulse purchases. Lots of people plan luxurious, stylish, and fun destination weddings in the city that never sleeps, and you can have a lovely Vegas wedding if that's what you want.

The legal requirements for marriage in Vegas are simpler than just about anywhere else in the world. Do you have a pulse? Do you have a few bucks? Good, then you can get married in Vegas.

As you plan your elopement, you will decide who, if anyone, will be invited to your ceremony. The typical elopement, though, is just the two of you plus a witness or two. So when do you tell your family and friends -- the ones who won't be there to see it?

The problem with telling people in advance is that many of them are going to want to come. When an American friend of mine became engaged to a Canadian several years ago, they decided to have a courthouse ceremony right away to get the citizenship ball rolling, but then do a big wedding with all their friends and family after they'd had time to plan it. They told everyone of these plans, and both families insisted on being there to witness the "real" wedding. When the bride's large Canadian family came down from Montreal, they insisted on making a week of it, since they'd come so far. They did a rehearsal dinner, wedding day brunch, fancy clothes, the works. This quickie civil ceremony turned into a several thousand dollar event, and the big wedding that the couple really wanted? Never happened.

Let's face it: Las Vegas doesn't have the best image when it comes to weddings. Elvis impersonators and drive-through chapels aren't every girl's dream of the perfect wedding day. But there's more to Vegas than just drunken I do's. Las Vegas has a whole culture, one that is big and bright and full of cool retro inspiration for your wedding day.

This week at AisleDash, we'll show you how to have a Vegas-inspired wedding that steers clear of tacky and cliche. We'll bring you great Vegas-themed invitations, party favors, gowns, and music, and we'll take a look at some memorable celebrity Vegas nuptials. We'll even tell you how to find an Elvis impersonator in YOUR town, if you want to go that route.

Still wanting to elope? We've got you covered there, too!

Have you always dreamed of climbing the heights of Macchu Picchu? Why not get married there, in an authentic Andean ceremony? If you think that sounds amazing, but would be a logistical nightmare, you're right - if you're thinking of having a traditional wedding. But if you consider eloping, well, then it's a little more feasible...

Forbes Traveler has compiled a list of some of the most stylish and unique places to elope, because, as they put it: The classic elopement ... has been modernized and redefined. It's less about keeping secrets than keeping the experience personal-and perfect.

The popular image of an elopement is that it's a spur-of-the-moment decision made by a young couple sneaking away to get married before anyone (read: parents) can stop them.

Of course, we all know that's not always the case anymore. Instead, elopements can be as elegant or complex as any other wedding - except for the fact that there is no guest list. (Which let's face it, is a major source of stress for many engaged couples.)

Check the article for some truly amazing locales, and get some inspiration for your perfect elopement!

Whether you have a giant fairytale wedding or a private ceremony with a justice of the peace and no other witnesses, you are still just as married at the end of the day. So if you decide to go the private ceremony route like I did, how much of a wedding are you going to have?

One of the first things you'll need to decide about your elopement is who will perform the ceremony. Will it be someone you know? A clergyman, judge, or just whoever is there at the courthouse that day?

Although many couples these days do the elopement thing and then come back to go through at least some of Dante's Inferno planning a big party, the original purpose of eloping was to avoid all that planning -- or to avoid the financial and/or dysfunctional family dynamic of planning a wedding. So, if you're considering elopement for any of the traditional reasons, then it will be well worth your while to review this summary of state marriage requirements before you choose your secret destination. It tells you everything you need to know including how old you have to be, how long you have to wait to seal the deal, and whether or not you'll need any icky medical tests. Most states don't have difficult requirements, but it will be good to know before you go.

My elopement was not entirely secret. Our families knew we were planning to elope, but no one outside of our immediate families knew, and we didn't divulge any details. Truthfully, we didn't really have any details to share. If you are planning a top-secret elopement, you will need to have a united approach to keeping the secret.

First of all, is your engagement a secret? If you wear an engagement ring, people will ask questions. My husband and I have both worn commitment rings (which are now our wedding bands) since day one. People were always asking if we were married, and when we said no, there were always follow-up questions about the rings. If you want to keep your plans secret, make sure you're answering these questions with some consistency. Of course, you can opt not to wear a ring, or wear it on your right hand to deflect speculation.

Lots of couples in the throes of wedding planning daydream about scrapping all the complicated plans and running off to the courthouse instead. My courthouse wedding took place on April 1, 2008 -- over the next few weeks, I'll tell my story, and maybe it will help you decide if eloping is right for you.

I met my partner, McKenzie, at the bridge table in Tennessee a few years ago. We both play a lot of bridge and go to a lot of tournaments, but we'd never met before because we lived on opposite coasts. It was only a matter of time, though -- pretty much all bridge players under thirty eventually become friends, because there are so few of us out there. And we became fast friends -- we kept up between tournaments via email, and after spending a little more time together in person, we knew we would be together for the rest of our lives. Simple as that.

McKenzie was one of those guys who wasn't sure he ever wanted to be married, and certainly not before age 30, an arbitrary guideline he'd set for himself years ago. He says it was because he'd seen too many young people make huge mistakes, and he didn't want to be one of them. I already was one of them. I'd gotten married right out of college, and divorced two years later. I'd had a big wedding before, and didn't want to have another one. I felt like having another wedding so soon after the first one would look self-absorbed, silly, and open me up to massive judgment. No thanks. So I didn't want a wedding, and McKenzie didn't even want to be married anyway -- or so I'd thought.

If you're looking for beautiful scenery, you can't go wrong in wine country. We found a gorgeous little inn and restaurant in the Dry Creek Valley of California. They specialize in Victorian garden and elegant evening weddings. With eight acres of gardens and wooded areas, you're sure to find the perfect spot for your ceremony and pictures at Madrona Manor.

The Manor was built in 1881. It can accommodate up to 125 guests for your special day. They have an extensive menu and can do anything from a gourmet buffet to a five-course tasting menu. And they have event planners to help you work out all of the details. Facility fees range from $1500 - 13,000.

If you prefer to run away and get married, they even offer an elopement package that includes the minister, bride's bouquet, groom's boutonniere, cake, and a disposable camera. Oh, and a two-night stay, of course. Prices start at $2340 for the package.

If you're in the area or planning to travel to wine country for your nuptials, check them out. The gorgeous gardens and setting may just be what you were looking for.

If you're lucky, either you or your future spouse have access to good insurance that the other can take advantage of once you get married. But what if your wedding is over six months away and you have a need for insurance now?

A discussion at the Offbeat Bride talks about this situation, and readers are chiming in with what they did or would do.

For some, marrying secretly before the big day isn't a big deal. Insurance is taken care of, but they still get their big day with family and friends. For others, though, it seems like family will be cheated a little bit if they don't see the union the first time.

So does it have to be a secret? Is it really a big deal if someone goes to the courthouse and later gets married in a big ceremony? Tell us what you think about the matter.

Photo by island spice licensed under Creative Commons.